These are the conversations that a cashier never has with a customer outside of his or her own head, but these are the honest-to-goodness-true thoughts of a cashier, when asked certain questions by a customer.
What you hear, is the cashier's standardized, fake-friendly response of either encouraging/agreeable nods, grunts or "I understand"-resembling noises or standardized, "sure thing", "yes ma'am/sir or "absolutely, no problem",- while in the meantime, the answers below are playing in the cashier's mind:
#354: Q: "Can you put the trash bags in a separate bag?"
A:"Why? Do you think there is some some sort of radioactive waste inside? Bio-hazardous materials? Wait, do you think there's actually trash in the box? They are new trash bags! In a closed, clean, and sealed box, you OCD freak!!!"
#429: Q:"Can I leave my cart here while I go to the bathroom?"
A:"Nope, absolutely not, there will be no such business as going to the bathroom here, Lady!!!"
#457: Q:"Can I have my bread in it's own bag?"
A:"Really, you don't want your bread squished by your 5lb weights and the Jillian Michaels DVD you just bought? Now there's a new concept!"
#516: Q:"Can I hang on to my soda?"
A:"Absolutely not. (Makes a ghoulish voice with British accent) You cannot have your soda ever. Bwahahahahahahha!!)
#597: Q:"Does this stuff work?"
A:"Yes, I work at a retail store. No, I haven't tried every single item we sell in the store."
#602: Q:"Where can I find [insert most obscure item you can possibly think of here]?"
A:"The Whaaaaat?"
#689: Q:"There's a sign back there that says [insert item here] is 4.99!"
A:"There's a sign my ass! You and I both know that there's no way in hell that this thing is that cheap, and your ass needs to actually read the sign properly next time. 9 out of 10 times your sign, is for the item above, below or adjacent to it and your wishful thinking made up that price in Lala-land. But sure, here I go, calling my supervisor, holding up my 3-deep line for your stupid price check. UGH I hate you and your children!!!
#732: Q: [kid hollers to mom] "Mom, can you tell her that I want my toy in its own bag?"
A:"Dude, I'm standing right here and guess what, I can totally hear you! Yes, I can put your damn toy in its own damn bag."
#758: Q: "Can I pay with my credit card?"
A: "What do you think this is, Walmart or something? Nope, we solely accept payment in either goats milk, silver coins, chickens or copper pots, like in the olden days."
#798: Q: "Can I get all my cold items together in one bag?"
A:"And here I thought you'd want me to put your ice cream with your rotisserie chicken! Silly me!!!"
#823: Q: "Can you pack my bags light, please, I have to climb up to the 2nd floor!?"
A: "What's the 2nd floor got to do with anything? Does your stuff magically get lighter, if you have more bags??? Jeez, would you just at least admit that you want free garbage bags, so we can all move on? You could totally spare me the trouble of packing two items at a time, by just asking me for 5 extra bags at the end! Gosh!
#845: Q: "Is [insert wildly popular item here] going to go on sale soon?"
A: "Here, wait, let me just get my crystal ball really quick. Hang on. Yes, I see something! Is that? Wait! Oh, I'm sorry it says NEVER EVER!!!"
There are a million more where these came from, I may do a part two one of these days. If there are any cashier-readers among you, please feel free to post more in the comments. =)
What you hear, is the cashier's standardized, fake-friendly response of either encouraging/agreeable nods, grunts or "I understand"-resembling noises or standardized, "sure thing", "yes ma'am/sir or "absolutely, no problem",- while in the meantime, the answers below are playing in the cashier's mind:
#354: Q: "Can you put the trash bags in a separate bag?"
A:"Why? Do you think there is some some sort of radioactive waste inside? Bio-hazardous materials? Wait, do you think there's actually trash in the box? They are new trash bags! In a closed, clean, and sealed box, you OCD freak!!!"
#429: Q:"Can I leave my cart here while I go to the bathroom?"
A:"Nope, absolutely not, there will be no such business as going to the bathroom here, Lady!!!"
#457: Q:"Can I have my bread in it's own bag?"
A:"Really, you don't want your bread squished by your 5lb weights and the Jillian Michaels DVD you just bought? Now there's a new concept!"
#516: Q:"Can I hang on to my soda?"
A:"Absolutely not. (Makes a ghoulish voice with British accent) You cannot have your soda ever. Bwahahahahahahha!!)
#597: Q:"Does this stuff work?"
A:"Yes, I work at a retail store. No, I haven't tried every single item we sell in the store."
#602: Q:"Where can I find [insert most obscure item you can possibly think of here]?"
A:"The Whaaaaat?"
#689: Q:"There's a sign back there that says [insert item here] is 4.99!"
A:"There's a sign my ass! You and I both know that there's no way in hell that this thing is that cheap, and your ass needs to actually read the sign properly next time. 9 out of 10 times your sign, is for the item above, below or adjacent to it and your wishful thinking made up that price in Lala-land. But sure, here I go, calling my supervisor, holding up my 3-deep line for your stupid price check. UGH I hate you and your children!!!
#732: Q: [kid hollers to mom] "Mom, can you tell her that I want my toy in its own bag?"
A:"Dude, I'm standing right here and guess what, I can totally hear you! Yes, I can put your damn toy in its own damn bag."
#758: Q: "Can I pay with my credit card?"
A: "What do you think this is, Walmart or something? Nope, we solely accept payment in either goats milk, silver coins, chickens or copper pots, like in the olden days."
#798: Q: "Can I get all my cold items together in one bag?"
A:"And here I thought you'd want me to put your ice cream with your rotisserie chicken! Silly me!!!"
#823: Q: "Can you pack my bags light, please, I have to climb up to the 2nd floor!?"
A: "What's the 2nd floor got to do with anything? Does your stuff magically get lighter, if you have more bags??? Jeez, would you just at least admit that you want free garbage bags, so we can all move on? You could totally spare me the trouble of packing two items at a time, by just asking me for 5 extra bags at the end! Gosh!
#845: Q: "Is [insert wildly popular item here] going to go on sale soon?"
A: "Here, wait, let me just get my crystal ball really quick. Hang on. Yes, I see something! Is that? Wait! Oh, I'm sorry it says NEVER EVER!!!"
There are a million more where these came from, I may do a part two one of these days. If there are any cashier-readers among you, please feel free to post more in the comments. =)
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